2. The Wabbit's Space Coffee Machine

The Wabbit inspected the machine. It was a fabulous construction, although it had fewer knobs than he thought - and he prodded it a bit. He had a sudden thought. "This would make the perfect addition to Quantum the Time Travelling Train's Dining Car. I don't suppose NASA would mind." It was rather heavy, as were most espresso makers, but he didn't think that was an obstacle. So he thought he would try it. He went to get some coffee. There was plenty around - it was all over the place in various shapes and forms, and he began to experiment. Then he connected the water and set it all in motion. Nothing happened. He went back to first principles. "This goes here, that goes there, the coffee goes in here, it comes out here."  Zilch, nothing. "OK there's something I haven't done," laughed the Wabbit. He looked all round it and even inspected the back. "I haven't plugged it in," laughed the Wabbit. He set about finding a power line. Then he connected the mains to the machine. There was a whine and a click and something started to happen. Steam hissed from a valve. But it wouldn't stop. It got louder and louder and the Wabbit became alarmed. He started to press this and that. He turned all knobs and prodded all switches but nothing could stop the process he'd set in motion. He started to smell the deep aroma of coffee. But something flashed and everything changed. The Wabbit was not where he was before. He was whirling in deep space, holding an espresso cup. He lifted the cup to his lips and tasted the coffee. It was exquisite. He twirled around and the espresso cup stayed upright, spilling not a drop. "What next?" said the Wabbit...

1. The Wabbit at the Coffee Exhibition

 

The Wabbit wandered through the coffee exhibition. His favourite coffee, Lavazza. had opened a museum and somehow failed to tell him. The Wabbit hid his annoyance. It was enough that the thing was open and he could go. So he crept in one day, completely incognito. He was early - and there was no-one around except for the person on the door. The Wabbit flipped his carefully shielded travel card. "Museum Inspectorate," he snapped, "and it had better be good." The door person smiled. "You're very welcome Commander Wabbit, this is our first day." The Wabbit had been rumbled. "Something leaked," he grumbled to himself. Anyway, he ambled around the exhibits. There was a history of coffee, and a story of the world famous Luigi and how he came to found the famous coffee company. All that he took with a pinch of salt. "No-one could possibly be called Luigi Lavazza," he said to himself, "they have to be making it up."  He hopped on through the exhibits and was pleased to see the famous cartoons who had advertised Lavazza through the years. He nodded approvingly and he used his interactive coffee cup to get his extra content. All he had to do was place his expresso cup on the designated spot - and the spot lit up and spoke about this and that. "Splendid idea!" he said and made a note in his log. The Wabbit lounged on the sofas and sat on the seats and everything was going well - as well as could be expected from a visit from the Wabbit. Until he rounded a corner and saw it. It was a space-going coffee machine. The Wabbit couldn't believe his eyes and he wanted it immediately .... 

The Wabbit at his Adventure Caffe

 

"Everyone is late," said the Wabbit. "No, they're not," said Lapinette, "here they come now." The Wabbit still had a grumbly face. "OK," he said. Skratch meaowed into sight. "Hello," he said, "is this the place?" The Wabbit was still annoyed. "Yes," he said, I suppose it will do." "It looks fine," said Wabsworth looming up from the back. "Yes," said the Wabbit again. "So what was that for a sort of adventure we had." Skratch was ready. "It was a standard linear plot," he said, "unusual only from the point of view of the characters." Lapinette smiled. "I suppose the flights for small mammals, was unusual." Skratch drew himself up to his full height. "Deep focus, objective reality and a relative lack of montage suggest that the whole thing should be left to the spectator." Lapinette scoffed. "We really can't have that, Skratch." The Wabbit was still in a bad mood. "The spectator can very well get on with it and do no work at all." Wabsworth butted in from the back. "I'm inclined to agree, Wabbit. "The spectator is left in a state of dominant specularity. The spectator has to do a bit of work - otherwise what's left." Skratch was in a state of delirium. "The complexity of reality is enough,"  he said, "otherwise we're left with overwrought formalist mediation." "What do you say to a drink," said the Wabbit. "Or is that standing in the way of the impasse of the ideological?" Skratch laughed and laughed. "Are we feeling a little tetchy today, Wabbit." Lapinette laughed too. "The Wabbit is suggesting a quasi-mystical relationship between our narrative and objective reality." "Which is four aperitivi and a packet of crisps," said Wabsworth.

8. Skratch, Wabsworth and the Prisoner

Skratch and Wabsworth guided the prisoner along the street. He was without handcuffs so as not to alarm the population. "You've been a very bad boy indeed," said Skratch. "Killing people is wrong," said Wabsworth, "even if they're in front of you at conferences." The prisoner failed to comment, but he looked at Skratch with baleful eyes. Finally he spoke. "Where are you taking me?" Skratch replied. "Taking you to the prison place, where you will be held indefinitely without trial until the end of time." The prisoner's eyes went glazed. "Just joking," meaowed Skratch. Wabsworth butted in. "You will get to choose life imprisonment or a free existence on an inhospitable planet of our choice, somewhere in the Sombrero Galaxy." The prisoner showed little hesitation. "The second," he said. Wabsworth shook his head. "It's very, very cold." The prisoner cried out, "But I'll be free." Skratch couldn't help adding some more information. "There are dinosaurs and evil flesh sucking voles," he said, "who will make your life difficult." The prisoner turned to Skratch. "I'll take my chances." Wabsworth chucked grimly. "You haven't heard everything. Every day there is a mist that sweeps in and changes your personality" Skratch gave a hiss. "Shouldn't change you much at all, except for the paranoia." The prisoner looked quite cheered. "All in all it doesn't sound so bad." Wabsworth laughed. "You are probably unaware of the Wabbit's frequent prison visits and correctional programme?" The prisoner looked tentative. "He talks for days and days, "said Skratch. "On and on and on."

7. Flights for Small Mammals Conference

The Wabbit took his place at introduction of the Small Mammals Conference. A last-minute change to the timetable made him the target for the Murderer but he proposed to enjoy it nevertheless. "Small mammals of all kinds," he began. "For too long we have endured poor conditions in planes." There was a murmuring of agreement. "Cooped up in baskets, placed in holds - all manner of ignominy has been placed upon our shoulders." He looked around the conference. "This conference today signifies our unwillingness to endure this current treatment." There was a scuffle from the wings. The Wabbit carried on. "Today we legitimately ask, nay demand better treatment." Lapinette jumped up from the front row and pushed the Wabbit to the side, waving her automatic. "Stop right there," she shouted. You're under arrest." A figure emerged and he had a gun that pointed directly at the Wabbit. "You took the place that is legitimately mine," he yelled. "Stand down and give it to me." Lapinette yelled back. "Your place is at the back, where you belong." Creeping up behind the armed intruder were Skratch and Wabsworth, but the intruder was too intent on his task to see them. "I demand my rightful place, I am the authority on this subject, I am the one who should speak first," he shouted. Skratch took the revolver away with ease and Wabsworth handcuffed him. "Should I carry on?" asked the Wabbit. "You may as well," said Lapinette, "You seem to have the measure of it." And the Wabbit did, until he was asked to stop ...

6. The Wabbit and the Speaker List

The Wabbit met Lapinette at Lingotto. For security reasons they met in the children's section since there was never many people there. "What have you discovered, Wabbit?" breathed Lapinette. "Quite a lot," he replied. He was still clutching the guest book and he waved it. "I believe the answer is in here," He gave the book to Lapinette, who leafed quickly through the pages. "Have you ever heard of Bunk MacBatfit?" Lapinette shook her head.  "Can't say I have." The Wabbit paused. "Bunk is an authority on Flights for Small Mammals - but he likes to be first," Lapinette looked blank. The Wabbit's voice was harsh. "He likes to be first in everything he does." He paused. "Have a look at the speaker list." Lapinette read the first few pages. "He's not there." The Wabbit continued. "He's on the guest list but he's not speaking," Lapinette gasped. "He must be furious." "Furious enough to kill," said the Wabbit. Lapinette rocked backwards. "He'd kill to be first to speak!"  The Wabbit nodded. "I have a plan. Do you have any sway with the organisers?" Lapinette nodded too. "Can you get me on to the speakers list to speak first," said the Wabbit. "You're going to be bait," said Lapinette. "I'm the master of bait," replied the Wabbit, "so leave the changes until the last minute." Lapinette was cautious. "I'd better get Skratch and Wabsworth onto this. They can pass as small mammals, can't they?" The Wabbit looked sceptical. "They have to look dull." Lapinette laughed. "Anything's possible."

5. The Wabbit and the Sudden Attack

The Wabbit took a short cut along the side of the market because he wasn't sure when the attack would come. He knew there would be one - but of its exact shape he had no clue. So it wasn't entirely unexpected when it happened. When he saw a red dot appear he shifted like a cheetah running from extinction. He swayed to the left and then to the right, just as a rabbit does. He heard a sharp crack but the bullet went wide and hit the sidewall of the market. There was no second shot. Clearly the attacker had expected an easy hit and had now vanished, Nevertheless, he dropped down on all fours and looked all round for the attacker, but there was no sign, Just the mark of the bullet on the aluminium plate. The guest book was on the ground so he picked it up, shot to the other side of the road and round the corner. Clearly, he was close to the murderer and the murderer wanted the book. He clutched it against his chest and then flicked it open again.  He ran his eyes over the names of the three murdered rabbits and tried to think. The wind rustled the leaves of the book and turned the pages. There on the fourth page was the name of the next speaker at the conference, It leaped out at him. He looked familiar. The Wabbit snapped the book shut and stealthily went on his way. He didn't think the perpetrator would make a second attempt so soon. He was too smart a mammal for that. All the same, the Wabbit thought reinforcements would be a good idea at this stage. Keeping a wary eye open he stuck close to the buildings in the shadows, and made his way across town,