The Wabbit and the St Andrew's Day Mission

It was St Andrew's Day and the Wabbit rushed to the Parliament of his homeland to make a plea for restitution on behalf of the wabbits. "Attention Members please," said the Presiding Officer. "Attention for Commander Wabbit MacWabbit of that Ilk, who will make a formal request on behalf of the Department of Wabbit Affairs." There was a discreet murmuring from the Members. "Ahem," said the Wabbit, clearing his throat. "I'll get straight to the guts of the matter." "He speaks plainly," said one Member. "I like that" said another. The Wabbit straightened his coat and began. "My species endured a great injustice owing to the illegal introduction of the Mixoma virus here in 1953 and 95% of us were killed," he said."That was under a very different Parliament," said the Presiding Officer. "We haven't been here long." "With the greatest of respect," said the Wabbit to all the assembly, "you were part of the Government of the day and will make due amends." "What kind of amends?" said the Presiding Officer. "You will provide medicine to wipe out the virus in your land." said the Wabbit. He stared around at all the faces and spoke again. "It's my land too, and therefore I insist that measures be expedited soonest." Your proposal must pass through our Finance Committee," said the Presiding Officer. The Wabbit looked up and took from his fur a vast spiral-bound dossier full of facts and figures and names and dates. He then ruffled its many pages so much that the resulting wind caused his ears to flail. "This," he said, "will speed things up."

8. The Wabbit and his Job Description

The Wabbit and Lapinette hopped across the country bridge and the Wabbit took Lapinette's paw. "What's everyone been doing when I was away?" asked the Wabbit. He was desperate to talk about his travels, but he wanted to be polite. "You haven't been away long!" said Lapinette. "What?" said the Wabbit. "You hopped into Quantum the Time Travelling Train and hopped out again," said Lapinette "You said your mission was complete and you had carrot juice on your whiskers." "It seemed like ages," said the Wabbit and Lapinette smiled. "Well, it felt long enough to miss you," said the Wabbit and he said nothing about the carrot juice. "We got our apology from Comte Mal de Merde," said Lapinette. "He wasn't evil, but acted foolishly by releasing the virus," said the Wabbit. "Now there's the question of restitution," stated Lapinette. The Wabbit looked questioningly. "Now, governments must pay by supplying medicine to cure wabbits," she said. "That sounds like quite a mission," said the Wabbit. "Do you want it?" smiled Lapinette. The Wabbit's fur stood on end and he hopped up and down. "It's not in my job description," said the Wabbit. "Yes it is, it's at the end," said Lapinette. The Wabbit groaned and smacked a paw against his head. "Anything whatsoever, that might be needed at any time, anywhere," quoted Lapinette.

7. The Wabbit and the Galloway Stopover

Quantum, the Time Travelling Train, made a surprise stop on the way home and the Wabbit found himself at a picnic table with glass of carrot juice. "I know this place," said Wabbit in recognition. "This is Galloway in my homeland!" "Welcome home, Commander, " said Quantum. "Oh, thank you!" said the Wabbit and he sipped his carrot juice and breathed the air. "Since this is a kind of works outing," said Quantum, "I believe we are obliged to sing." The Wabbit felt overwhelmed by choice. "What can we sing, what can we sing?" he mused. "Something of the land," advised Quantum. "The Rolling Hills of the Border!" said the Wabbit. "You start," said Quantum. The Wabbit placed a paw over one ear, threw back his head and sang. "There's a certain peace of mind, Bonnie wabbits there you'll find." "Wabbits sturdy, yet so kind, Among the hills of the border," sang Quantum. They both chuckled. "How do you know the words?" asked the Wabbit. "I know most things," said Quantum. "I know your uncle is the Chief of Galloway." "Distant uncle," said the Wabbit. "Isn't that him over there?" asked Quantum. "Time to get going," said the Wabbit. Quantum was surprised. "He's very nice but he's inclined to chew my ear off," said the Wabbit. "We'll quietly vanish," said Quantum. And they did.

6. The Wabbit takes the Scenic Route Home

“Is your mission all done and dusted?" asked Quantum, the Time Travelling Train. "It's done," said the Wabbit. "And I felt quite sorry for poor Comte Mal de Merde." "That's all in the past now!" said Quantum cheerfully. "How are your ears?" "Frazzled," said the Wabbit. "Then I must provide you with relaxing entertainment," said Quantum. "So would you prefer the quick route, Commander, or the scenic route home?" "Scenic," said the Wabbit and he settled back with a sigh. Quantum immediately vibrated and all the interior lights flickered. "Look out of the window, Commander," said Quantum, as usual. The Wabbit looked out and saw a mighty worm hole open and a caravan of shuttles pass through. "Are you ready?" asked Quantum. "Ready when you are," said the Wabbit and he gasped as Quantum darted through a hurricane of light particles. The Wabbit and Quantum seemed to whirl and twirl and spin and stretch until suddenly they emerged on the other side of the singularity. "How are your ears now?" asked Quantum. "Calm," said the Wabbit and he observed the shuttles. "But where are these other craft going?" he said. “They are trader ships, exploiting the Kuiper Belt," said Quantum. "Why don't we bump into them?" asked the Wabbit. "I have a temporal warning horn, which can alarm anything up to 1 billion light years away," replied Quantum. "I think you should speak to Ghost Bunny," smiled the Wabbit.

5. The Wabbit and the Fate of the Comte

As the Wabbit faded from sight, Male de Merde felt the room grow icy until everything was frost and his very bones froze to the marrow. His limbs seized solid and in terror the Comte watched his life flash backwards before his eyes. And as he gazed raptly, images of his childhood loomed and he saw a toy wabbit that he had cherished. When one of his beloved toy's ears became detached he had beseeched his mother to sew it back. But neither of them could find the ear and Mal de Merde cast his toy aside. In the icy chill, Mal de Merde remembered how once he would go nowhere without it and and he began to weep uncontrollably. His tears streamed in continuous torrents and their warmth melted the icy grip on his hands. So with what strength he had left, he seized the Government medal awarded to him for ridding the country of so many wabbits. He took one last look at it because once he had been proud of his achievement. Then he smashed the medal against his desk with enormous force. He battered that medal time and time again until ice and wood splinters tore at his fingers. Suddenly, warmth returned to the room. Mal de Merde looked around and, listening carefully in the still, he thought he could just make out the sound of a train passing. He was nodding a grim farewell to the mysterious Wabbit, who had brought about these events, when he suddenly became aware of a throbbing in his hand. The Comte looked down. An image of a wabbit was indelibly etched on his palm.

4. The Wabbit and the Apology

Comte Mal de Merde was studying in his study when he glanced up to see the Wabbit pointing at him. "You!" said Mal de Merde and drew back against his cabinets. "No one expects the Wabbit," said the Wabbit, irritably. "I saw you in a dream," said Mal de Merde. The Wabbit bared his teeth. "I am beyond your nightmares," said the Wabbit in a matter of fact voice that chilled the Comte's soul. "How did you get here?" gasped Mal de Merde. "I came by train," said the Wabbit. A silence fell. "What do you want?" asked the shaking biologist. "An apology," said the Wabbit. "What for?" said Mal de Merde, although he already knew. "You unleashed a biological weapon of mass destruction upon my species!" said the Wabbit and he hopped forward. "You ate a lot," said Mal de Merde and he shrank back. "You ate us," shouted the Wabbit. "And you killed nine out of ten. It kills us still." The Comte shivered and his skin felt clammy. He began to wring his hands and bent his head. "I'm sorry,” he said. "Make it personal,” suggested the Wabbit. "I beg the forgiveness of all the wabbits" said the Comte and he looked hopefully at the Wabbit. But the Wabbit kept pointing. "What more do you ask of me?" said the Comte. "That you forgive yourself," said the Wabbit and he smiled and raised a paw in farewell as he began to disappear. Mal de Merde watched the image of the Wabbit grow dim and he felt the room grow icy cold ... [to be continued]

3. The Wabbit takes a Quantum Leap

The Wabbit pressed Quantum’s big red button and quietly said "Engage!" Quantum, the Time Travelling Train, started to vibrate, which chattered the Wabbit’s teeth wildly. "Let’s rrrroll roll out out, Quantumumum. Nice nand neasy," he stuttered. "Look out of the window, Commander," said Quantum. There was a sudden flash. Everything outside grew very small and vanished, only to be replaced by a canopy of stars. The Wabbit looked down in wonder at complicated strands that that wove a lattice under the planet. "France, 1956," stated the Wabbit. "I’m a train, Commander, not a taxi," said Quantum. “Sorry,” said the Wabbit, although his eyes were twinkling. "These were turbulent times for that little old France there," said Quantum, in the chatty manner of a taxi driver. "Good," said the Wabbit. "The unfortunate Comte Mal de Merde will be distracted." "Will you challenge his hegemony?" asked Quantum. The Wabbit saw Quantum’s control panel smile so he consulted a dictionary of political thought that he kept in his fur. "He will hold onto power no longer," said the Wabbit, sagely. "He won’t be expecting you," said Quantum. The Wabbit gazed at all the buttons on Quantum’s control panel and clapped his paws in delight. "No-one expects the Wabbit," he grinned.

2. The Wabbit and the Quantum Train

The Wabbit hopped up to the cabin of Quantum, the Time Travelling Train. "Are you sure this works?" he asked Lapinette. Lapinette looked at Quantum and looked back to the Wabbit. "Quantum works precisely," she said gravely. "I don't want this mission," said the Wabbit and he stamped a foot. "You don't get to pick and choose," said Lapinette. "They should send someone else," said the Wabbit. "Why?" asked Lapinette. "I'll lose my temper," snapped the Wabbit. "And your ears will flail," said Lapinette, automatically. "And knock things over," said the Wabbit. Lapinette smiled. "What kind of things?" she asked. "Valuable ornaments," said the Wabbit, grumpily. "Is it productive to go back in time to demand an apology for something that happened in 1952?" he said lengthily, drumming his paws on the side of the train. "It's part of peace and reconciliation," said Lapinette. "I will never be reconciled to the man who unleashed the Great Plague on our species," said the Wabbit and he kicked the door. "Your ears are flailing," said Lapinette. "I told you they would," said the Wabbit, "and I'm not the Wabbit for the job." "Comte Mal de Merde's temporal co-ordinates have been precisely mapped by Quantum," said Lapinette, calmly. The Wabbit scowled. "You can push the big red button," said Lapinette. The Wabbit brightened immediately. "Maybe it won't be so bad," he said with a grin.

1. The Wabbit and the Reluctant Mission

The Wabbit was hopping on the roof of his favourite ruin, when he heard a piercing cry. "Oooooh, frighten, haunt!" wailed an apparition from the sky. The Wabbit was startled but rapidly recovered when he saw who it was. "Oh, hello Ghost Bunny, I'm terrified!" screamed the Wabbit. "I tried to haunt your 400 warriors and was met with jokes and ribaldry," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit scowled because he doted on Ghost Bunny. "They couldn't accept your haunting beauty," he murmured. ”Well I came up here to practice," said Ghost Bunny, firmly. "Excellent swoop!" said the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny span and turned into a pyramid and turned back. "Before Rome, you are to go on a hush-hush mission," she said. "How do you know?” asked the Wabbit. "I heard it on the astral plane," said Ghost Bunny. "The astral plane!" exclaimed the Wabbit. "Did you meet the controversial cosmologist Rupert Sheldrake?" "Yes," said Ghost Bunny. "He says he doesn’t mind his leg being pulled but he objects to it being stabbed." "Bad business," said the Wabbit and he shook his head at all the routine leg stabbing in the world. "I don't want this mission," he said in a low voice. "I'll lose my temper." "What’s that like for you?" asked Ghost Bunny. "I hop up and down and my ears flail and knock thing over," said the Wabbit. "What soothes you?" asked Ghost Bunny. "Salad sandwiches" said the Wabbit,. "Then think of salad sandwiches," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit thought of salad sandwiches and he felt calm. "You're adorable, Ghost Bunny," said the Wabbit.

The March of the 400 Wabbits

The massed wabbits hopped formally forward in a zig-zag movement, and each time they hopped they made a thunderous crash that shook the girders of the building. "Where did you find them?" whispered Lapinette. "My appointment comes with a small private guard," said the Wabbit. "Where does it say that?" asked Lapinette sceptically. "It's in the small print," said the Wabbit. "They're all dressed like you!" laughed Lapinette. "Isn't it embarrassing?" said the Wabbit, although he was secretly pleased. They both turned at a mighty cry from the wabbits as they smashed to a halt. Lapinette looked lovingly at the Wabbit. "Proceed," she smiled. The Wabbit turned to face the massed ranks of wabbits and raised a paw in salute. "How many are we?" he shouted. "We are four hundred!" came the reply. "And what are our just demands?" yelled the Wabbit. "Land, Peace, Hay!" cried the wabbits in unison. "And a few carrots," muttered the Wabbit under his breath. Lapinette dug the Wabbit sharply in the ribs. "Ouch," squealed the Wabbit. "Ouch!" cried all the wabbits. Lapinette hid her head behind her ears and giggled. "Where are they going?" she asked. "They're going to march to the Brek Restaurant, where they are obliged to drink copious quantities of carrot aperitivi," said the Wabbit with glee. "Won't they frighten people?" said Lapinette. "They certainly frighten me," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Chain of Command

The Wabbit was hopping past his favourite abandoned shed when heard the sound of a military vehicle and a shout. "Commander, Sir!" "Oh, hello Franco," said the Wabbit with affection. "You’re looking a lot better than the last time we met." "One hundred per cent fit for duty, Sir" said Franco. "You look like a marmittone with these wheels," joked the Wabbit. Franco laughed. "We're a couple of old marmittoni, Sir," he said. "I'll tell that to Lapinette," chuckled the Wabbit. "How is the Marchesa?" asked Franco. "She's having her ears smoothed," said the Wabbit. "She is such a lady, Sir" said Franco. "I fear the non-commissioned ranks have pictures of her in their barracks." "So do I" said the Wabbit. They both chuckled for a while."Where did you get the Fiat Campagnola?" asked the Wabbit. "I didn't make a requisition." "Skratch got it from the Motor Museum for our Rome trip," said Franco. The Wabbit looked concerned. "It was surplus to requirements, Sir," said Franco. "They were going to throw it away. It's all Hummers in there now." "Disgraceful!" said the Wabbit. He thought for a minute and there was a pause and a silence. "Franco," said the Wabbit soothingly. "This is an informal chat, so stand easy and chew the carrot." "Yes Sir," said Franco. "Now try saying "Yes Wabbit,"" said the Wabbit. "Yes Sir, Wabbit Sir," said Franco. "Try again and don't say "Sir" at all," said the Wabbit. Franco's forehead creased with effort. "Yes Wabbit ..." Franco's voice dropped and he said "Sir" under his breath. "I heard you," said the Wabbit. "I know Sir," smiled Franco.

marmittone: sprog, rookie, naive recruit

The Wabbit and the Supplies Question

The Wabbit was hopping past his favourite building site when he heard a voice from somewhere slightly above him. "Hey Homey, how’s the ‘hood?" "Oh hello Skratch," said the Wabbit. "I have to tell you about our temporary relocation," "Rome?" asked Skratch. "Rome," said the Wabbit. "I know all about it. Let me break it down, man," said Skratch. "I've no beef with that," said the Wabbit, smiling to himself. "I got our camp supplies organised. I did a deal," grinned Skratch. "What kind of a deal?" said the Wabbit. "There's this place," said Skratch. "It's called the Pontiffs' place and it's all red inside, very glitzy." "They’ll supply us, foreally?" asked the Wabbit. "What’s the catch?" "We have to discourage unsavoury elements," said Skratch. "Now look Skratch," said the Wabbit, "they’ll be no bunkin' wild and no bangers!" "Hey man," said Skratch. "Don’t get it twisted. You know the ledge!" "Well I ain't no newjack," said the Wabbit. There was a pause and they both shuffled their paws. "So when do we roll up?" said Skratch. "A few weeks," said the Wabbit. "Scooby Doo! Not long!" said Skratch. "I gotta shop." "What for?" asked the Wabbit. "Cats pyjamas," purred Skratch.

The Wabbit and the Fur of the Puma

"Hello Wabbit, Are you taking a constitutional hop?" said a voice. The Wabbit was hopping along his favourite mountain path and he turned round. "Hello Puma!" he said and he stretched out a tentative paw to stroke Puma's back. "I must say, your fur is particularly sleek today," said the Wabbit. "I know, I've just had it done by a lovely little man in the Via Nizza." purred Puma. "He does Puma fur?" asked the Wabbit. "He's an equal opportunities barber," said Puma. The Wabbit wanted to laugh but he composed himself. "How do you two communicate?" he asked. "He speaks Puma, listen!" Puma made a series of long and short growls and ended with a truncated screech. "What’s that?" said the Wabbit. "Does Sir require a hot towel?" said Puma. "And did you require one?" asked the Wabbit "Definitely, it's the best bit," said Puma and he wriggled his neck and stretched. When he'd finished stretching, which took some considerable time, he sat up. "What's the deal with this camp in Rome business?" he said suddenly. "I'm arranging something,” said the Wabbit. "I hope so," said Puma. "I've already booked a tour of the Coliseum." "Puma, they're used to you here," said the Wabbit. "What will they think in Rome when you prowl down the street?” "When I prowl down the street," said Puma, "I'm in charge."

The Wabbit and the Contingency Fund

The Wabbit was having fun in his favourite park when he heard a voice. "Keep off the grass, Wabbit!" The Wabbit peered around his favourite pillar. "Oh, hello Snail," he smiled. "I am duly obliged to hop on the grass, since I am a Wabbit." "I heard we're going to Rome," said Snail. "There's no "we" about it," said the Wabbit. "It's a hush-hush secret Christmas mission." "We could construct a temporary camp," said Snail. "A change is good as a rest." The Wabbit thought rest was unlikely where Snail was involved. "How would you get there?" asked the Wabbit "I would hitch hike," said Snail. "And how would you signal your request for a lift?" said the Wabbit. "I would hook a single antenna and wiggle it," said Snail. The Wabbit tried to visualise the scene and gave up quickly. He fidgeted and hopped up and down and he thought and thought. "There might be a place I know," said the Wabbit. "It's near the Vatican." "Near the Vatican," echoed Snail with delight. "What's it really like?" "Nothing special," said the Wabbit. "Just a bunch of Pontiffs on scooters." "I'd like a scooter," said Snail. "Then you shall have one," said the Wabbit and he pulled from his fur a requisition order. The Wabbit scribbled for a while and whistled through his teeth. "One scooter, blue, ordered" he said finally. "Isn't the Department short of cash?" puzzled Snail. "I put everything through the contingency fund," said the Wabbit. "Isn't the contingency fund for contingencies?" asked Snail. "Everything's a contingency," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Days to Christmas

"This is the best celery," said the Wabbit. "Pricey but delicious." "How much?" asked Lapinette. "I had to use my card," said the Wabbit. "The one that goes with that particular coat?" smiled Lapinette. "I call it the Jazz Card," said the Wabbit. "Well, you're going to need it. We've been posted to Rome for Christmas." said Lapinette. "Rome," said the Wabbit. "There's never a minute's peace." Pretending to be annoyed, the Wabbit thumped his foot for a bit and thought about cartwheeling. "We have to carry out a special Christmas mission," said Lapinette. "It's nowhere near Christmas," said the Wabbit with a scowl. "There's only 40 hopping days until Christmas, Wabbit” replied Lapinette swiftly. "Then I must get my cards posted to my distant cousins in Wablantis," grunted the Wabbit with a wicked grin. Lapinette laughed and winked. "In Rome, we'll be undercover," she said. "Oh, can I be a news vendor?" asked the Wabbit. "Giornalaio Wabbit!" shouted Lapinette with glee. "I like it," said the Wabbit. "I meet people and I get free magazines." "You slip them into your fur you mean," stated Lapinette, with mock disapproval. The Wabbit smiled but nonetheless checked in a secret pocket where he kept a recent edition of Vogue. "Isn't that Skratch over there with Monty?" said Lapinette with surprise. "What are they up to?" mused the Wabbit. "Something dubious to do with camp supplies?" ventured Lapinette. The Wabbit chattered all of his 28 teeth. "I hope they get a better price than me," said the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Fusion Field

The group gathered in Ghost Bunny's laboratory, now permanently housed in the old abandoned garage. The Wabbit was having trouble with the project code names and was practicing. "Sparkle," he announced, addressing Ghost Bunny. "What the Binky is this machine?" "It's a fusion force field generator," said Ghost Bunny. "It will serve to protect us from future floods." The Wabbit hopped up and down with enthusiasm. "This thing?" he asked."This thing, as you put it, will protect us from floods, tempests and pestilence." said Ghost Bunny. "Pestilence?" enquired Lapinette. "Such as locusts," said Ghost Bunny. "What about the Forestry Police," asked the Wabbit. Ghost Bunny fluttered and smiled. "Out of ten, what's your tolerance for the poor Forestry Police," she asked. "About 2.5," said Lapinette. "Zero," said both the Wabbit and Skratch. Ghost Bunny made an adjustment. "There you are," she said. "How do we know it works?" said the Wabbit . "Do you see any Forestry Police?" said Ghost Bunny. "That's bad science," said the Wabbit. "Go outside and pretend to be the Forestry Police," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit hopped outside and turned around. Then stepping back he launched a hefty kick at the door and shouted. "Open, up! Forestry Police!" Immediately he felt a strange tingling and itching in his fur and it got worse and worse until he started jumping around. "It works, it works, turn it off!" shouted the Wabbit and he skulked back into the garage with a mean look. Lapinette and Skratch suddenly burst out laughing. "You've got bad fur now!" giggled Lapinette. "Oh no!" said the Wabbit and smoothed his crumpled coat. "Sparkle, do you have a force field setting for bad fur?" he asked. "It was a design priority," smiled Ghost Bunny.

The Wabbit and the Box of Stuff

The Wabbit looked at the box of stuff and he hopped up and down. "What are you building, Ghost Bunny?" he asked. "Is everything here?" said Ghost Bunny. "And some extra bits," said Lapinette. "We managed to get a multipactor tube." "That will do nicely," said Ghost Bunny. The Wabbit was frustrated and hopped over to Skratch. "What's she building Skratch?" he asked. "My code name today, is Klaw the Cat Crook," said Skratch. "OK, OK," said the Wabbit. "What's she building, Klaw?" "Sparkle knows what she's doing," said Skratch. "Sparkle?" said the Wabbit. "Sparkle," responded Skratch. The Wabbit hopped back to the box. "Is there a truck hire charge, Klaw?" he asked loudly in an unsuccessful attempt to take charge. "I did a deal with the pet shop," said Skratch and pawed his nose. "What is Sparkle building, Lapinette? I mean Trixie," said the Wabbit. "I trust Sparkle," said Lapinette. "Whatever she's building, it's for everyone's good." Ghost Bunny looked directly at the Wabbit and winked. "Do you have a universal tool kit, Bunny?" she said. "I always have one in my fur," replied the Wabbit. "Then we won't delay," said Ghost Bunny and she fluttered upwards, adopting the manner of a quiz show host. "Shall we open the box or ...?" she yelled. "Or ...?" everyone hollered back. "Or take the money?" she shouted. Skratch nudged the Wabbit and Lapinette threw her arms in the air. "Open the Box!" they cheered.

The Wabbit and the Shopping List

"Psst!" said a voice. The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette looked round. "Anything I can help you with?" said a metal spectre. "What sort of help?" said the Wabbit suspiciously. "Help to get difficult-to-get things," said the spectre. "Yes," said Lapinette, enthusiastically. The Wabbit frowned but he named the first thing on the list as a test. "Four spherical diodes," said the Wabbit. "Plenty in stock," said the metal spectre. "You can have eight for the price of four." "A lithium blanket," said Lapinette. "Ooooh," said the spectre. "For that you need a special license." "And how do we obtain one of these special licenses?" said Lapinette slyly. "I can acquire one instantly for a suitable price," said the spectre and he flicked a switch on his metal chest and produced a license. "OK," said Lapinette. "But only if you can throw in a box of superconducting magnets." "You'll need a multipactor tube," said the spectre. "Oh I don't know, really,” said Lapinette and she shook her head. "It’s on special offer," said the Spectre. "For today only." "I think we already have one in the shed," said Lapinette, with indifference. "Half price in anticipation of future business," said the spectre. "It's a deal," said Lapinette. "How will you take delivery?" asked the spectre. "We'll come to you," said the Wabbit, who was glad to get a word in. "Metal Michele," said the spectre and offered a spectral hand. The Wabbit thought for a minute. "I am ... the Bunny," he said and smiled warmly. Then he glanced at Lapinette and his smile turned into a malicious grin. "This is Trixie," he said. "Trixie Beaujolais," simpered Lapinette.

The Wabbit and Lapinette go Shopping

The Wabbit and Lapinette had gone shopping for supplies. "We need a lot of cash to replace everything lost in the flood," said Lapinette.”Now, I have a card here in my fur for that sort of thing," said the Wabbit and he rummaged for a long time. Lapinette looked at him knowingly, "It’s in your other coat," she sighed. "No no," said the Wabbit. "It goes with this coat." "You have a debit card for different coats?" gasped Lapinette "Doesn't everyone?" said the Wabbit and he finally pulled a green plastic card from his fur. Lapinette took the card and hopped up to the machine. "You don't know my secret number," said the Wabbit. "I can make a guess," said Lapinette. "Watch this!" And she hopped straight into the air. On her way up, Lapinette put the card in the slot and on the way down she typed numbers onto the pad. There was a clicking and a long, long whirring. Suddenly a lot of money tumbled from the dispenser and Lapinette swept it up and it vanished. "How do you know my number?" said the Wabbit, frowning. "It's the date of the Great Wabbit Uprising," said Lapinette. "How many people know that?" exclaimed the Wabbit "Well, I know that," said Lapinette. The Wabbit shook his head. "What's first on the list?" he asked. "Skratch wants a grappling hook and Ghost Bunny requires a number of electronic components." said Lapinette. "What's she building," puzzled the Wabbit. It was Lapinette's turn to shake her head. "Costs a lot," she murmured. The Wabbit's eyes gleamed. "Let's go!" he said.

The Wabbit and the Hospital

At the Big Hospital's flood relief centre, the friends were all allocated colourful rugs. Even Ghost Bunny managed to find a ghostly rug and she fluttered around with it. "What about the flood, Sir?" said Franco from under his Alpini hat. "When it abates, we will return," said the Wabbit. "We'll dry everything out and make sure you have a watertight base." "I'm concerned about the Pet Shop in Corso Svizzera," said Skratch. "All that dried food must have expanded right out into the street and stopped the traffic." Lapinette put her paw in front of her mouth to hide a smile because she knew that Skratch had some crafty supply deal with the Pet Shop. "Perhaps that wouldn't be a bad thing," said the Wabbit. "These floods might be caused by global warming." "It didn't feel very warm," said Puma who was still shivering. "It was cold and wet and horrid," said Snail, munching a cardboard tray. "I saw it coming but it was too late," said Ghost Bunny. "Suddenly the river came over the bank and ran straight at us." "Like it was alive," said Puma and he growled softly. "It's the River Dora. I think Dora means "to run"" said Lapinette. "It took a good run at us," said Snail. "Start again sir!" interrupted Franco Contadino and he pushed his hat back. "We can find you somewhere temporary, Franco," said the Wabbit reassuringly. "Rather not, Sir. Hop straight on, Sir," said Franco and he coughed a bit. "You could have done without this Franco." said the Wabbit. "You need a proper examination." "I'll get Doctor Stefano to check you out," said Lapinette and she headed for the lift. "The stairs are quicker," shouted the Wabbit.

The Wabbit and the Big Flood

"We're over here," shouted Skratch and he waved frantically as the flood rose around him. The Wabbit’s radio crackled. "Disaster Control to Commander Wabbit. You haven't much time, so get out now!" "Not before everyone's on board," muttered the Wabbit under his breath. "Rendezvous at the Big White Hospital. Out," hissed the radio. “Copy that," said the Wabbit to himself. Lapinette threw out the ladder and Skratch grabbed the end and pulled Franco towards him. "Where's my hat?" gasped Franco. "Ghost Bunny's got it for goodness sake," said Skratch and he propelled Franco up the ladder. "What about Snail?" yelled the Wabbit. Lapinette looked across at Ghost Bunny and shouted at the top of her voice.”Tell Snail to climb to the roof, we'll pick him up there!" The sound of the torrent seized her words and mangled them, but somehow Snail heard. "On my way," he shouted. "I've ever seen a snail move that fast," shouted the Wabbit to Lapinette. With everyone on board the Wabbit lifted the helichopper over the trees and then dropped it back down on the Padiglione roof. Lapinette threw open the cargo door and Snail somehow hopped in. "I thought you liked the wet," smiled the Wabbit. "I have a limit," said Snail. "Get us out of here!" The Wabbit lifted the helichopper vertically, wheeled and flew across the city towards the Big White Hospital. “Wabbit to Control," said the Wabbit into the radio. "We're on our way. Five cosy blankets, one extra large please." "Anything else?” said a tired voice. "Seven hot refreshments," replied the Wabbit. "On a cardboard tray," said Snail.

5. The Wabbit & Lapinette in the Lost Park

"What took you so long?" asked Lapinette, who had materialised back in the park some minutes before. "I've been waiting a while," she smiled. "I don't know," said the Wabbit and he checked his fur to make sure that everything was there. "I was stuck in some kind of time buffer and things appeared and whirled around and disappeared." The Wabbit paused as he tried to remember. "And I saw some wabbits I once knew, but as soon as I spoke to them, they vanished." he said. "You couldn't just have a normal trip for once!" exclaimed Lapinette. "And break with tradition?” replied the Wabbit and he chortled. "Don't you think there's something familiar about that tree trunk," asked Lapinette. "Spooky," said the Wabbit and he looked around, half expecting Lag, the prehistoric wabbit, to come cart-wheeling through. "The time portal must be around here somewhere," said the Wabbit and he looked to right and left. "Do you want to go back?" said Lapinette. "No, not really," said the Wabbit. "It was beautiful and interesting, but a little quiet for my liking." "You prefer the city," said Lapinette. "More cafes," said the Wabbit. "We could go back in time and open one," said Lapinette." "The Time Lag Cafe," laughed the Wabbit. "Temporal aperitivo please!" giggled Lapinette. "Of all the joints in all of Space and all of Time, she walks into this one," drawled the Wabbit. How they laughed as they hopped home but though they were to search many times for that park, they never found it again.

4. The Wabbit and the Star Wall

Lag, the prehistoric wabbit, cart-wheeled with ease to a strange wall. "What's a wall doing here?" whispered the Wabbit to Lapinette. "It's the Star Wall where things come and go," said Lag. "What sort of things?" asked the Wabbit. "Interestingly interesting things" replied Lag. Lapinette looked at the Wabbit and the Wabbit shrugged. "Thanks to you, we'll develop the cart-wheeling gene," said Lag. "Gene?" said the Wabbit with surprise. "Because of you, wabbits will be able to cartwheel in the time that has yet to come," said Lag. "Well, it's really only me that cartwheels," murmured the Wabbit and he thought for a bit. "So I came back and made the wabbit cartwheel a possibility?" he mused and his voice trailed off into silence. "So it's a paradox," said the Wabbit suddenly. "Maybe not" said Lapinette. "It could be a temporal modification negation." "Is that the principle that makes everything that happens OK?" asked the Wabbit. "Automatically," replied Lapinette. "That’ll do," said the Wabbit. "Hold quite still and you'll find yourself reassembled at the place you came from," said Lag. "Reassembled?" said the Wabbit and he felt his body begin to tingle. As he watched, Lapinette faded and disappeared before his eyes, leaving a trail of sparkles. "Oh, goodbye Lag," said the Wabbit kindly. "Goodbye Wabbit, we're going to practice and practice," said Lag. "No rush," said the Wabbit and he vanished.

3. The Wabbit teaches The Cartwheel Hop

"We'll set up here," announced the Wabbit and he pulled from his fur a collapsible measuring stick. Lapinette ignored this turn of events and spoke to Lag the prehistoric wabbit. "Try a simple hop first," she said. Lag hopped up and down for a quite a while, but he always came down on the same spot. "I have an idea," said the Wabbit. "Why don't you think of a cartwheel?" "What's a cartwheel?" asked Lag. "It's a roundy-come-roundy thing that goes round," said the Wabbit. "What a good idea," said Lag. "It's all the rage," said the Wabbit, adopting an instructional stance. "When you hop to your highest Lag, try leaning with your shoulder and pitching forward." "Which shoulder?" asked Lag. "Any shoulder," replied the Wabbit. So Lag took up position and made a sudden hop. Then just when Lag was at the highest he could go, the Wabbit hopped quickly forward and poked him with his stick. "Oooh," said Lag and he pitched forward, rolled on his back and settled on his feet. He turned and looked at the Wabbit for congratulation. "Again," said the Wabbit. "No stick?" said Lag, "No stick," said the Wabbit. So Lag leapt high in the air and cartwheeled forward and wheeled round and came back again. "I'll teach everyone," said Lag. Lapinette winced and buried her head in her paws. "What about the space time continuum, now?" she said. "We invented the wheel," said the Wabbit.

2. The Wabbit and the Prehistoric Wabbit

Lapinette and the Wabbit followed the giant wabbit and found themselves in a strange landscape. "We're the ones that hopped through a singularity,” said the Wabbit. The Wabbit strode up to the giant wabbit and the giant wabbit bent down, "Are you a prehistoric wabbit?” asked the Wabbit. The giant shook his head. "Well, where is this land?" asked the Wabbit. The giant wabbit shook his head once more. Lapinette nudged the Wabbit because she had an idea. "D'on ets?" she asked. "I'm from here," said the giant wabbit. “I didn't know you spoke Klingon,” said the Wabbit. "Catalan," said Lapinette. “Oh,” said the Wabbit and he turned to the giant wabbit. "El mei aerollicador esta ple d'anguiles," he said with confidence. "I'm sorry your hovercraft is full of eels," replied the giant wabbit with surprise. The Wabbit shook his universal translator and hit it a few time with his paw. "What's your name" asked Lapinette. "Lag," said the giant wabbit and he turned to the Wabbit. "I do like your ears,” he said with enthusiasm. “It takes billions of years of evolution to get ears like this," said the Wabbit and he patted them. Lag smiled. "I would like to hop,” he said shyly. "I've been practicing." "Yes," said the Wabbit. "It needs work." Lapinette shot a warning glance at the Wabbit. "We can teach you, Lag." she said. "I thought we shouldn't meddle with space and time,” said the Wabbit. “We'll say it was like that when we got here,” smiled Lapinette.

1. The Wabbit: A Wabbit of a Different Kind

Lapinette and the Wabbit had found a park that they never knew existed and they hopped slowly through the trees to see what they could see. Suddenly the Wabbit came to a halt and his ears bent back at a strange angle. "Listen," said the Wabbit. "I can hear a crunching!" "And a munching too," said Lapinette. They crouched in the undergrowth together and looked at a creature who was clearly a wabbit. "It's a Giant Wabbit of a Different Kind,” said the Wabbit and he looked at the giant wabbit and thought. “Do you know," he said. "That's a Neuralgia Rex." "Nuralagus Rex," corrected Lapinette and she grinned. The Wabbit was shaking his head. "It may have hopped into a singularity," he said, because he had only recently been talking quantum physics with Ghost Bunny. "Nurulagus Rex doesn't hop," said Lapinette. But just as the words were out of her mouth, the giant wabbit hopped straight into the air and crashed back down on exactly the same spot. The Wabbit put a paw to his chin and sank into deep thought. Lapinette watched him think for a while, somewhat aware of a vague whirring of cogs and grinding of gears. Finally the Wabbit spoke. "Then it's the Missing Link! It's out of the past, let’s follow it." "We would be interfering with space and time," said Lapinette. "Not at all," said the Wabbit. "We’re here in this spot for a reason. You mark my words." "I'll inform the Department then," said Lapinette strictly. "Its a field decision," chortled the Wabbit. "Then there's no time like the present," said Lapinette.

The Wabbit tries to Explain

The Wabbit and Lovely Lapinette were hopping past the Porta Palatina, chatting as they hopped. "So," said Lapinette, "you told me about your journey, but little of your Goddess." "Demi-Goddess," said the Wabbit, "she was wonderful." Lapinette stopped hopping and turned. "And did this wonderful Demi-Goddess have a name?" she asked. "Lapnet," said the Wabbit. "Oh," said Lapinette and she pondered for a minute. "So what was she like?" she asked. The Wabbit thought it best to pay attention and said, "She was completely proper and formal as a Goddess should be." "Demi-Goddess," said Lapinette and she thought deeply. "Tell me, what was she wearing?" she said eventually. "Oh nothing much," said the Wabbit defensively and he cringed when he saw Lapinette's expression. "What I mean is that she had a short Greek dress with a waist tightly cinched by a silver belt." Lapinette glared but the Wabbit was in full flight and couldn't stop. "And she was garbed in white with blue flowers and the whole outfit was topped with a shoulder clasp." "A shoulder clasp?" hissed Lapinette. "To hold everything up." said the Wabbit weakly and he winced. There was a long silence. "What was I wearing yesterday?" asked Lapinette suddenly. "The usual ...? " queried the Wabbit hesitantly. As his voice trailed off, his head sank into his fur and his teeth became quite rigid. So he closed his eyes and wished he had never uttered a word. Then he felt a paw under his chin and he carefully opened a single eye to see Lapinette smiling sweetly. "I was winding you up," she laughed.